Tally-Ho, Yippety-Dip & Zing Zang Spillip

“Four be the things I am wiser to know: Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. Four be the things I’d been better without: Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. Three be the things I shall have till I die: Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.”

— Dorothy Parker, The Complete Poems of Dorothy Parker

There will no doubt be a wealth of blog posts, articles and features coming out today and tomorrow on what a fabtastic year 2014 has been and the amazing things we have to look forward to in the year to come, starting with the obligatory resolutions to drink less, eat less and generally behave less atrociously than we have for the past 365 days.

As I have recently watched my cat prove to be a more popular author than myself, I am not precisely filled with the spirit of the New Year's Eve Fairy. As for resolutions... meh. They last approximately a week, the fridge is filled with enough fruit and roughage to kill fifteen elephants, and then the urge to grease me up Lunch Lady Doris kicks in, an emergency run for hot chips is made, and a blackened mass of dead carrots is scraped out of the vegetable container two months later.

Forgive my cynicism. Again, coping with the fact that people are calling for a cat to take over my blog.

2014 has held significant challenges. It hasn't, despite General Melchett's indecipherable excitement, been all Flossy the Rabbit pie and Château Lafite. Dear friends and loved ones have suffered craptacular things. Sadness has been a very big part of the year, and unfortunately 2015 is going to hold some of the same for The Man Who Vaguely Resembles David Tennant and myself.

On the other hand, or apparently, as it is soon to be known, paw, there is great joy on the horizon. Osky, The Man, and myself all get to celebrate something pretty spesh early in the new year. Who knows? That pretentious puss may even be a flower cat, simply because I know how much he'd hate it.

I hope you have a wonderful year to come, and to help you along, here are my Anti-Resolutions for 2015. May you live by them, and love, laugh and have fun and make a difference by them. I certainly intend to, and I'll have a lot more time to do so, because I won't have to dedicate time to writing anymore.

See how you go trying to type by yourself, Spy Cat.

The 'Be Resolute In Your Anti-Resolutions' List of 2015:

1. Drink GOOD champagne. All the time. It's beneficial to your health. Promise.

2. Tell the people you love that you love them. Don't hold back.

3. Get a pet. Look after that pet. Hug that pet.

4. Stand up and make a difference, whether it's to your community or your country.

5. Care about grammar!

6. Don't take yourself so seriously. Seriously. 

7. Repeat number 2. It's really, really important. Because they won't always be there, and you should appreciate their worth.

It's not a big list. They aren't stupid resolutions, because you know what? They aren't things that you know in your heart are going to be non-deliverable after a finite period. You can resolve to live in a way that gives you and the people around you joy, and these things definitely do that. Love. Hug. Give your pet a hand on the keyboard as they become a bestseller. Laugh, mainly at yourself. Care about your grammar. Give a damn about the quality of what you throw down your throat.

Happy New Year.

Tally-ho, pip pip and Bernard's quite possibly your uncle.

In An Unguarded Moment

Our most basic common link is that we all inhabit this planet. We all breathe the same air. We all cherish our children’s future. And we are all mortal.

— John Fitzgerald Kennedy

It occurred to me this morning that I hadn't written a gratitude post in literally months. It hasn't been deliberate; there is quite a bit in my life that I am grateful for. By the same token, there are quite large chunks of craptacularity which I would like to throw into a vortex (or at a certain misogynistic Herald Sun columnist - same thing really) and which I find it hard to feel grateful for at all.

I realise that this is rapidly sounding like an ingratitude post but it isn't. I just need to state, for the record, that things aren't necessarily rosy.

Which is why it's all the more important to be grateful for the everyday bits of bliss.

It's the unguarded moments, the 'sneak up on you and hug you' good things that happen which we need to learn to appreciate more.

Today is an incredibly hard day for my family. The aforementioned craptacularity is in full swing, and it is't going to de-craptacularise any time soon. Which gives me ten - a hundred - times the reasons to appreciate what is great about my life. For a start, I am still kicking, which was dubious at a few stages last year. So yay for that. But this post isn't about the big showstopping, Oscar-worthy reasons to count your blessings.

It's about being grateful for someone you love coming into the room and dancing around, being silly and making faces at you whilst you're being incredibly serious and professional on the phone, using that voice you NEVER use in real life. You know the one; your 'yup, yup, I can totally see where you're coming from' voice.

It's hard to maintain that when someone is crossing their eyes at you and sticking out their tongue.

Have some gratitude for that chance to laugh when there is terror and pain ahead.

Be grateful for some silliness with a friend. Chances are, they might be having a bit of a rough day too - so pull them out of it. It may be at the expense of someone else, but if said someone else is a fairly unpleasant individual and also has very bad grooming standards, then I have no issues with using them as a comedic prop.

Sneak the snorts in. Find the common link. Summon up some sunshine for each other. Enjoy the perfect little moments which come out of nowhere and feel like a butterfly kiss.

Don't try too hard to create a perfect moment mind you. They don't exist if you manufacture them. A perfect moment is a moment that just happens. If you are smart, you will realise that every moment of every day in which you are not actively miserable or in horrendous emotional or physical pain is perfect.

Why?

Because despite the fact that you may be a bit glum, or things aren't going right at work, or you've had a bit of an argy-bargy with the boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/dad/whatever floats your boat, think on this:

In this moment, this perfect, perfect moment...

You are alive. You are here. You have the chance of happiness just around the corner.

From heartbeat to heartbeat.

So make the most of every one of them.

And realise, in gratitude, despite the black clouds which are just over the horizon - that if you are as lucky as I am - there is always someone who is willing to hold that metaphorical umbrella for you.

Even if it's just by dancing into the room with their eyes crossed.

Snort.

A Good Christian

I sometimes amaze myself with how strong I am. Deep breath here, and I know you are going to find this very hard to believe, those of you who know me well.

Um.

Last week, I gave away a pair of Louboutins.

I need to lie down for a little while before I keep writing.

Please hold.

OK, I'm back.

So - this is the dealio.

Two years ago, I bought a pair of Loubs online. Being a total tard, I happily ordered my usual pair of 39s - and didn't realise that I had ordered an Italian 39. Not a Euro 39.

There is a differenzio. This is Italiano for big fat mistake. Because they are two different sizes, and when you buy on sale online, there often is no going back.

Buggerino.

So - I have worn them once. And they looked amazing, but they hurt like hell. And I couldn't do it again. So in the spirit of the red sole, I have given them away to a worthy and chic recipient - rather than selling them.

God speed my darling shoesies - and enjoy your new home.

And as for me - the piggy bank will fill up again.

One day.

Vive les Louboutins!