Shoes, Books & Cynicism
Kate Stone Matheson
The Wax That Melts Our Wings

I’d say it’s what separates us, not from the beasts, but the bestial. Creating the future, renewing a learned past - these are reasons to strive. Writing for and with love, taking and framing an image, stretching new melodic skins onto old skeletons of song… it’s how we manage to fly. It’s how we stay you and me, not us and them.

The Wax That Melts Our Wings
Shoes, Books & Cynicism
Kate Stone Matheson
The Lady Jellypants Guide to Grace and Poise

Unlike Osk, who seemed to establish his own tactical task force wherever we lived, scooping up neighbourhood feline troublemakers as sidekicks (including the memorable ginger behemoth Watson, with whom he used to scope the street from the safety of the shed roof), Jelly has the intelligence gathering skills of a sponge cake.

The Lady Jellypants Guide to Grace and Poise
Shoes, Books & Cynicism
Kate Stone Matheson
Love Me Tender

Anyway, somewhere in between my 'and then you should've done this' and 'why didn't you say x and y, rather than z', and 'for the love of monkeys and the general public's eyesight, you didn't honestly wear that heinous shirt did you', something he was saying about the dating extravaganza we were picking to pieces finally penetrated my cloud of self-congratulatory cumulo-waffle. 

"Most people don't talk about how dates are progressing as a tender process, do they?" he asked. 

"What?"

"She said I was 'part way through the tender process' and that she was judging me on my submission. I'd like to think there was irony involved, and I think at the time I may have given an admittedly weak "haha, yesssss, quite". Looking back, I'd have to conclude, computer says no on the presence of Fabulon or other aids to achieving crisply pressed linen."

Love Me Tender

ASADA

The Nextest Level (Trademarked In All Countries)

Dear AFL Commission It is with great enthusiasm that I send you my application for the vacant role of CEO of the AFL.

I believe I have the necessary skills and more importantly, a truly brilliant strategic plan, to take the AFL to the ‘Nextest Level™' (that’s the name of my plan. Catchy right?).

As CEO, I would bring a deep understanding of the football industry developed through years of reading the paper and discussing it with my friends.

I also ran a successful SuperCoach team for four rounds until I forgot to do it a few times and then gave up.

Importantly, I also have a strong desire to travel overseas during Australian winters and to one day attend the Super Bowl without having to pay for it myself.

Whilst my personal skills are strong, it is my strategic plan that will set me apart from the other no hopers that your expensive executive search firm are currently putting forward.

Nextest Level™ will see efficiencies and synergies all over the place. It will work horizontally across business units, whilst also being a top down/bottom up approach to collaboration and individualism.

It delivers in spades best practicing and LEAN principles of process and lots of other stuff.

Here are the key pillars of my Nextest Level™ plan:

  1. Excellent PowerPoint Presentation - Any corporate strategy needs a great PowerPoint and Nextest Level™ is no different. The transitions between slides have been designed by an Indian whiz kid from Andhra Pradesh. They will literally blow your mind. There are some great slides that make incredibly intricate and difficult problems look easy to solve, which I think you’ll like. I’ve also put in a few slides with numbers to seem like everything is costed, knowing you won’t read them.
  2. Import Cheap Players from Overseas - Australian AFL players are expensive. $10 million for nine years? Do you know how many footballers from a poor country I could get for that? We shall start importing these players from India, China and the southern parts of the United States, at a significantly lower wage. While the standard of play may drop a little, the margins should increase significantly.
  3. Change all the rules - As a long-time supporter of rule changes, I believe the one weakness the previous regime had, was moving too slowly. In my first season we will change every single rule, mid-season, at least once. I will reduce the number of umpires on the field to one and instead of enforcing rules, they will only be able to ‘make suggestions.’
  4. Ignore ASADA - You know, I’m not going out like AD did. So what if a certain club 'might' have injected a bunch of stuff into some young kids. Are we against vaccinations too? It sounds to me like they had a pretty good, rough idea of what they were doing. Anyway, player safety is not a first order issue, like profits or cost out programs are. On my first day I will ring ASADA and tell them we’re out. After all, it’s not like we’re competing in the Olympics is it?

Conclusion

You’re welcome AFL Commission. I will of course need a bigger office than Andrew had, I don’t want to be that close to Mark Robinson when he interviews me.

I can start soon enough but can we make sure Centrelink, the Tax Office or the Australian Federal Police don’t get wind of this till 2018? Few misunderstandings to still sort out there.

Fondest Regards,

Me. Your Fearless Leader In Waiting.

Just Don't Wait Too Long.