Dearest Your Majesty,

Tony here. But of course, you knew that, because we've been corresponding freely for months now. I wish I had realised years ago what a fan you were of Lifesaving, I would've thought to mention it when we first met. Then I wouldn't have been so surprised when you friend requested me in the Catholic Speedo Connection closed group on Facebook. How we have laughed about your e-mail address - 'fakeliz@jgillard.com.au'; although I do think some people might get the wrong idea, even though you have reassured me a number of times that this is the cleverness of it, and only true nobility like myself would know that it is really you. 'You are like King Arthur in the Sword in the Stone, you scabrous little hound' you say, which is one of your funny little names for me, isn't it, Ma'am?

Ma'am, I've got a bit of a problem. I'm copping some serious stick from the public and even that turncoat fat man in a thin suit Hockey. As for Bolt...

John Howard rang me up the other day and called me names, Ma'am! He said I was a bloody disgrace to the Party and to take my big ears and big mouth and bugger off home.

What would he know. He can't even bowl a cricket ball.  Even Kevin Rudd has been sniggering at me.

As for that Turnbull character, I feel like one of the Fathers at school is about to give me six of the best, and not in a good way.

I don't understand it, Ma'am. You told me that if I appointed The Duke of Edinburgh as a Knight of Australia, everyone would love me! 'Do it Tone' you said. 'Do it for Australia. Do it for your country. The country will be grateful'. Well, they aren't. They aren't grateful at all. They want me to take it off him! They don't think he deserves it. Of course he does. I mean, you told me about all the good things he's done, like the time he played cards against Le Chiffre and won so that a bomb didn't go off, and that other time when he stopped a master villain at your country estate, SkyBalmoral, in Scotland.

And now you're not answering my e-mails...

I feel like a little bit of sunshine has gone out of my life. Especially since Margaret isn't talking to me because I told her you don't like to share. Maybe Prince Phillip feels the same way, and has put his foot down.

I bet he would've made a good Jesuit.